It was a warm summer day and the air smelled of swimming pools and suntan lotion. I was around 3pm as I left the bank offices. The banks were closed today for the holidays, but I went in to finish some additional work. Completing my tasks, I locked the building doors and made my way to the car so I could pick Ashlyn up from my mother-in-law's house. Upon calling my in-laws house, my father-in-law stated that Mary, my mother-in-law, had taken Ashlyn to the local park and that I would be able to find here there. It was a small park only a few blocks from their house that held new playground equipment surrounded and shaded by several tall elm trees. I pulled into the parking lot to see Mary sitting contentedly on one of the park benches in the shade while watching Ashlyn show "Grandma" her little mound of sand that she had carefully crafted. I locked the car doors and made my way over the pair. They seemed to have such a carefree life together and I envied them for that. They looked so much at peace while together as if nothing had changed... as if Colin were still here. It had been 6 months since his death and every day was still a burden for me. And while I longed to be as carefree and happy as my daughter who was pleased with her "sand castle"; I wasn't really able to push away the sadness, the regret, and the fear.
Ashlyn saw me as I passed the row of elm trees and came running into my arms. She was the best part of my day. And it was gradually getting easier to smile back and play with her, without fearing I would undergo an emotional breakdown. I was glad for little milestones like these, because she deserved a happy mother who could give her all the love, attention, hugs, and smiles she deserved. She had grown quite a bit I thought as I embraced her and picked her up. I hadn't noticed just how much she was growing. Her hair had grown out into a lovely blonde and she was taller and heavier. I hadn't realized just how much I was missing.
My mother-in-law greeted me and offered me a seat next to her on the picnic bench. I set Ashlyn down so she could resume her work building her sand castle and just sat in silence with my mother-in-law.
"It's amazing how fast she's growing", I mentioned.
"Yes, and you are missing out on it.", she replied.
My mother-in-law seems always to be repremanding me for working so many hours. I often wonder why she isn't still morning for the loss of her son. Perhaps, I thought, it's because she has 3 other sons and I only had the one husband. I brushed the thought aside. No. Mary had morned for the loss of her son, but perhaps she possessed some sort of inner strength that had allowed her to find acceptance in his death.
"I'm trying to provide for her. Life isn't as easy when you have to survive on one income."
"Life isn't easy either when your only parent is never around. Katie... she needs you home more."
"I know ... I know." I said. This isn't the first time we've had this discussion. But Mary has never had to raise a child alone. She's always had her husband there. She also always had her husband working to provide for their family. I am now the sole provider for our little family of 2. I don't have a husband I can depend upon... financially or emotionally. She just doesn't seem to get that.
"Well, you are going to have to find a way to be home with her more. Jerry and I have decided to sell our house. We want to spend our retirement driving around the country in our RV."
"When did you decide this?" I said surprised. I hadn't even thought about them having any future plans. I've always just assumed that they would always stay in their house. It was hard to think of them not being nearby.
"Oh we've been planning this for awhile. But, well, when the accident happened we just kind of put things on hold. You know... try and help out where we can. But we need to move on in our lives... and so do you and Ashlyn. We are planning on leaving in 2 months to visit Samuel and his wife in Texas, and then we plan to perhaps travel to some of the Civil War battlefields in the South.
I panicked. What was I going to do with Ashlyn? Who would watch her when I went to work? I depended upon them. I mean of course I'm grateful that they took some time out of their schedule and delayed their plans so they could help Ashlyn and me out... but ... well... what would we do without them? I know it is completely selfish, but they were a kind of support system for Ash and I. They provided some sort of band-aid to our broken family. And now... they were leaving us too.
My mother-in-law must have sensed my distress because she softly patted me on the back and said "It will be ok. And we'll be here for another month or two. Surely you'll be able to figure something out."
As I drove home with Ashlyn I was mad. I was once again being abandoned by family. First Colin and then his parents. The only family I had on my side was my sister Julie, but she was in college and busy trying to complete her degree. She didn't need the burden and responsibility of a child while she's in college. And like me, she wasn't raised to be the maternal sort either. No... I had been abandoned. I was forced to change my schedule... the one I depended upon so much to get me through the day.
While I was upset with my in-laws for their decision to leave, I would later realize it actually helped me... no... forced me, to make some serious changes to my life. And these changes would eventually be for the better. It would eventually help the healing process and bring Ash and I closer as a family.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
A New Beginning
Irish fables and songs all reveal the hardship and struggles of life, and sometimes are without a happy ending. My life is similar to those songs and tales. The past few months have been a void, a life of nothingness but merely my being here or there. My names is Katylin and I'm 25 years old. My husband of three years was killed in a car accident last February, when our daughter was only 11 weeks old. He was returning home from a difficult day of work after putting in a few extra hours. With a struggling economy I was temporarily out of work due to layoffs. As a result my husband started picking up extra hours until I was able to gain employment.
I have yet to completely forgive myself...for not having a job... for not being good enough. Neither have I completely forgiven my deceased husband for leaving us... for working so many hours...for not being here for us...for leaving us alone in the world. And yet we do not get to choose our fate; it is thrown upon us whether we are ready or not. Within a few hours my life had completely changed. I went from being a strong and confident woman and wife, who was still learning all the nuances of being a first time mother. To being a lost and frail being that was left without direction, a best friend, and a father for my daughter. I had to put aside my fears and life to cling to the one thing my husband had left behind for me... my daughter. And yet, I was not always strong enough to do so.
B.T.A., as I would start referring to my life "Before The Accident", I was a marketing analyst for a Fortune 500 company, an independent and confident woman, who went from day to day confident that each even would have a happy ending. Even after I was laid-off, I was certain that new job possibilities and career challenges were on the horizon awaiting me. I was always optimistic and eager for new challenges in which I might prove myself and my skills. I was never one to shrink back into the shadows and wait for an optimal outcome. I was always sure that because I was a good person, good things would happen. And on that dreary wintery morning I was again sitting on the couch with my laptop and hot cocoa scanning the classifieds for my newest employment opportunity. My daughter, Ashlyn, was by my side sleeping contently in the infant swing after just devouring her breakfast. We had spent the past few weeks together since my unemployment and we were starting to get used to each other. I was finally learning her cries, decifering her demands, and becoming confident in my own maternal skills.
My parents were never really the maternal sort and spent most of their time focusing on their careers rather than their family. My sister and I were taught to go to college and suceed in life by succeeding in our job and other acomplishments. Marriage and family were never really on my "to do list". However, in college, plans changed for me when I met Colin. He was funny, kind, and had a way of making me feel special. And he wanted to spend his life with me and to raise a family together. We were married in May, and after about two years of marriage, we finally decided to try and start having a family. Colin came from a different family dynamic than I. His mother was a stay-at-home mom who raised 4 boys while his father worked as a mechanic in town. While his mother was wonderful, my upbringing made me turn my nose up at the thought of my college education and talents being wasted as I spent my days changing diapers, cooking, and cleaning as I remained at home. Colin understood this about me and he always praised my talents and assured me that I was strong and independent enough to be a working mother. Knowing that he didn't expect me to be like his mother, but to just be me helped calm many of my fears during my pregnancy. He was my rock and the stronghold that I could depend upon for raising a family. And after the accident, that rock, that stronghold, shattered. How could I be a good mother without him? Was I strong enough to do this alone? The man who was to be the support system of our family now remained only in pictures for her to remember him by.
After Colin's funeral, many months passed in a haze. I dropped Ashlyn off at my mother-in-laws house in the morning, I went to work, I picked Ashlyn up, made supper, and prepared us for bed. I clung to my schedule and a grueling workload to keep me from feeling... to keep me going... to keep me from breaking down. I took a job at a bank where I spent most of my days adding to my current workload and trying to drown myself in reports and numbers. The hardest part of the week was the weekend when I was left alone with Ashlyn. Her smiling face tugged at my heart. And her father's eyes reflected back at me through her. I wanted to love her more, to cling to her, but I feared that if I did... I would shatter. And several Saturday nights I spent in tears- knowing that I needed to give my daughter more, to show more love to my daughter, to wrap her in my arms and never let her go or worry, but all the while knowing that if I did I would turn into a hormonal nightmare and perhaps would not be capable of surviving this. And I needed to survive. Not just for me... but for my daughter. I needed to be strong. This would be my reason for moving to Ireland. But Ireland would give me reason to live again.
I have yet to completely forgive myself...for not having a job... for not being good enough. Neither have I completely forgiven my deceased husband for leaving us... for working so many hours...for not being here for us...for leaving us alone in the world. And yet we do not get to choose our fate; it is thrown upon us whether we are ready or not. Within a few hours my life had completely changed. I went from being a strong and confident woman and wife, who was still learning all the nuances of being a first time mother. To being a lost and frail being that was left without direction, a best friend, and a father for my daughter. I had to put aside my fears and life to cling to the one thing my husband had left behind for me... my daughter. And yet, I was not always strong enough to do so.
B.T.A., as I would start referring to my life "Before The Accident", I was a marketing analyst for a Fortune 500 company, an independent and confident woman, who went from day to day confident that each even would have a happy ending. Even after I was laid-off, I was certain that new job possibilities and career challenges were on the horizon awaiting me. I was always optimistic and eager for new challenges in which I might prove myself and my skills. I was never one to shrink back into the shadows and wait for an optimal outcome. I was always sure that because I was a good person, good things would happen. And on that dreary wintery morning I was again sitting on the couch with my laptop and hot cocoa scanning the classifieds for my newest employment opportunity. My daughter, Ashlyn, was by my side sleeping contently in the infant swing after just devouring her breakfast. We had spent the past few weeks together since my unemployment and we were starting to get used to each other. I was finally learning her cries, decifering her demands, and becoming confident in my own maternal skills.
My parents were never really the maternal sort and spent most of their time focusing on their careers rather than their family. My sister and I were taught to go to college and suceed in life by succeeding in our job and other acomplishments. Marriage and family were never really on my "to do list". However, in college, plans changed for me when I met Colin. He was funny, kind, and had a way of making me feel special. And he wanted to spend his life with me and to raise a family together. We were married in May, and after about two years of marriage, we finally decided to try and start having a family. Colin came from a different family dynamic than I. His mother was a stay-at-home mom who raised 4 boys while his father worked as a mechanic in town. While his mother was wonderful, my upbringing made me turn my nose up at the thought of my college education and talents being wasted as I spent my days changing diapers, cooking, and cleaning as I remained at home. Colin understood this about me and he always praised my talents and assured me that I was strong and independent enough to be a working mother. Knowing that he didn't expect me to be like his mother, but to just be me helped calm many of my fears during my pregnancy. He was my rock and the stronghold that I could depend upon for raising a family. And after the accident, that rock, that stronghold, shattered. How could I be a good mother without him? Was I strong enough to do this alone? The man who was to be the support system of our family now remained only in pictures for her to remember him by.
After Colin's funeral, many months passed in a haze. I dropped Ashlyn off at my mother-in-laws house in the morning, I went to work, I picked Ashlyn up, made supper, and prepared us for bed. I clung to my schedule and a grueling workload to keep me from feeling... to keep me going... to keep me from breaking down. I took a job at a bank where I spent most of my days adding to my current workload and trying to drown myself in reports and numbers. The hardest part of the week was the weekend when I was left alone with Ashlyn. Her smiling face tugged at my heart. And her father's eyes reflected back at me through her. I wanted to love her more, to cling to her, but I feared that if I did... I would shatter. And several Saturday nights I spent in tears- knowing that I needed to give my daughter more, to show more love to my daughter, to wrap her in my arms and never let her go or worry, but all the while knowing that if I did I would turn into a hormonal nightmare and perhaps would not be capable of surviving this. And I needed to survive. Not just for me... but for my daughter. I needed to be strong. This would be my reason for moving to Ireland. But Ireland would give me reason to live again.
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