It was a warm summer day and the air smelled of swimming pools and suntan lotion. I was around 3pm as I left the bank offices. The banks were closed today for the holidays, but I went in to finish some additional work. Completing my tasks, I locked the building doors and made my way to the car so I could pick Ashlyn up from my mother-in-law's house. Upon calling my in-laws house, my father-in-law stated that Mary, my mother-in-law, had taken Ashlyn to the local park and that I would be able to find here there. It was a small park only a few blocks from their house that held new playground equipment surrounded and shaded by several tall elm trees. I pulled into the parking lot to see Mary sitting contentedly on one of the park benches in the shade while watching Ashlyn show "Grandma" her little mound of sand that she had carefully crafted. I locked the car doors and made my way over the pair. They seemed to have such a carefree life together and I envied them for that. They looked so much at peace while together as if nothing had changed... as if Colin were still here. It had been 6 months since his death and every day was still a burden for me. And while I longed to be as carefree and happy as my daughter who was pleased with her "sand castle"; I wasn't really able to push away the sadness, the regret, and the fear.
Ashlyn saw me as I passed the row of elm trees and came running into my arms. She was the best part of my day. And it was gradually getting easier to smile back and play with her, without fearing I would undergo an emotional breakdown. I was glad for little milestones like these, because she deserved a happy mother who could give her all the love, attention, hugs, and smiles she deserved. She had grown quite a bit I thought as I embraced her and picked her up. I hadn't noticed just how much she was growing. Her hair had grown out into a lovely blonde and she was taller and heavier. I hadn't realized just how much I was missing.
My mother-in-law greeted me and offered me a seat next to her on the picnic bench. I set Ashlyn down so she could resume her work building her sand castle and just sat in silence with my mother-in-law.
"It's amazing how fast she's growing", I mentioned.
"Yes, and you are missing out on it.", she replied.
My mother-in-law seems always to be repremanding me for working so many hours. I often wonder why she isn't still morning for the loss of her son. Perhaps, I thought, it's because she has 3 other sons and I only had the one husband. I brushed the thought aside. No. Mary had morned for the loss of her son, but perhaps she possessed some sort of inner strength that had allowed her to find acceptance in his death.
"I'm trying to provide for her. Life isn't as easy when you have to survive on one income."
"Life isn't easy either when your only parent is never around. Katie... she needs you home more."
"I know ... I know." I said. This isn't the first time we've had this discussion. But Mary has never had to raise a child alone. She's always had her husband there. She also always had her husband working to provide for their family. I am now the sole provider for our little family of 2. I don't have a husband I can depend upon... financially or emotionally. She just doesn't seem to get that.
"Well, you are going to have to find a way to be home with her more. Jerry and I have decided to sell our house. We want to spend our retirement driving around the country in our RV."
"When did you decide this?" I said surprised. I hadn't even thought about them having any future plans. I've always just assumed that they would always stay in their house. It was hard to think of them not being nearby.
"Oh we've been planning this for awhile. But, well, when the accident happened we just kind of put things on hold. You know... try and help out where we can. But we need to move on in our lives... and so do you and Ashlyn. We are planning on leaving in 2 months to visit Samuel and his wife in Texas, and then we plan to perhaps travel to some of the Civil War battlefields in the South.
I panicked. What was I going to do with Ashlyn? Who would watch her when I went to work? I depended upon them. I mean of course I'm grateful that they took some time out of their schedule and delayed their plans so they could help Ashlyn and me out... but ... well... what would we do without them? I know it is completely selfish, but they were a kind of support system for Ash and I. They provided some sort of band-aid to our broken family. And now... they were leaving us too.
My mother-in-law must have sensed my distress because she softly patted me on the back and said "It will be ok. And we'll be here for another month or two. Surely you'll be able to figure something out."
As I drove home with Ashlyn I was mad. I was once again being abandoned by family. First Colin and then his parents. The only family I had on my side was my sister Julie, but she was in college and busy trying to complete her degree. She didn't need the burden and responsibility of a child while she's in college. And like me, she wasn't raised to be the maternal sort either. No... I had been abandoned. I was forced to change my schedule... the one I depended upon so much to get me through the day.
While I was upset with my in-laws for their decision to leave, I would later realize it actually helped me... no... forced me, to make some serious changes to my life. And these changes would eventually be for the better. It would eventually help the healing process and bring Ash and I closer as a family.
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